Merill
by carabc03
Summary: Set just after 1x10. Merlin was allowed no time to grieve when his childhood best friend, Will, died in front of him. So when Will's horse comes to Camelot, it brings back memories and causes Merlin to break down. Fortunately, Merlin's knight in shining armor happens to overhear his feelings about Will's death, and Arthur tries his best to make it better.


"Look!"

Arthur hears the exclamation, and rapidly searches for its source. His eyes come to rest upon a young servant girl, Lily, who is pointing towards the forest.

The prince turns to see what she's staring at, and is surprised to see a horse walking out of the woods. Its coat is a pale brown, covered with splotches of darker colors and a few speckles of white above its right leg. It looks somewhat old and perhaps a bit underfed, but is still clearly a strong horse.

"Merlin!" Arthur calls, and turns to find his servant staring at the animal with a look of horror on his face.

Before Arthur can figure out what could possibly be the cause of such an expression, the horse is coming quickly towards Merlin. It nuzzles its head against the boy's shoulder, but Merlin just stiffens and closes his eyes with a look of pained resignation.

"Take the horse to the stables," Arthur orders, trying to hide his confusion at the servant's reaction. "It looks strong, and could be of use to us."

Merlin nods, attaching a lead to the horse and starting to walk. Arthur doesn't miss the way he stands as far away from the animal as the lead allows.

The horse slows a bit, and Merlin tugs on the rope slightly. "Come on, Merill," he says coldly.

Arthur frowns.

Why does the animal-loving Merlin seem to detest the poor horse so much? And why did he call it Merill?

Trying to understand his servant's strange behavior, Arthur follows him to the stables. He's not quite sure what he expects to find there, but he goes anyway, hoping to figure out why Merlin is acting this way.

Merlin tries to force the horse into a stall, but it gives out a protesting whinny, and the boy sighs.

"What do you want me to do?" Merlin demands of it, staring at the horse as if he honestly expects an answer.

It stares at him with a look Arthur can only describe as hopeful.

Merlin droops, hanging his head for a second. "He's not here," he tells it quietly.

When the horse gives no response, he looks up to glare at it. "Do you hear me, you stupid bloody animal? He's not here!"

The horse doesn't react, instead just looking at Merlin with an almost sad look in its eyes.

"Go!" Merlin shouts, shoving it with as much force as his thin body can muster. It doesn't even flinch. "Get out of here! Don't you get it? He's not here! He's not coming back for you!"

All the energy seems to leave Merlin's body, and he slumps forward. He gives up on shoving the stubborn animal, and before Arthur can process the scene in front of him, Merlin has collapsed into sobs on the horse.

"He's gone," Merlin whispers.

The horse doesn't look surprised by the outburst, and gently rests its head on the scrawny boy's shaking form. Merlin keeps whispering nonsense into the soft fur, sobs racking his body every few seconds.

Arthur can't watch anymore; he decides it's time to reveal himself. He lets out an awkward cough.

Merlin whirls around, wiping away his tears so quickly and forcing such a believable smile on his face that if Arthur hadn't just witnessed the servant's breakdown, he would never have known.

"Sorry, sire. I'm almost done." He nudges the horse gently, letting out a small chuckle. "Stubborn thing wouldn't go in the stall."

Arthur simply stares at him, and Merlin's fake smile wavers. He clears his throat. "So, um, how much of that did you see?"

"All of it," Arthur responds shortly.

"Right," Merlin nods. "Naturally."

"As you might have guessed, I have a few questions," Arthur begins.

"Go on."

"First off, do you know this horse?" Merlin opens his mouth to answer, but Arthur waves him off. "Nevermind, stupid question. Of course you do. A better question is, how do you know this horse?"

"He belonged to a friend of mine," Merlin answers quietly, and Arthur makes a mental note that the horse is male.

"Okay, and why is he here?"

Merlin smiles sadly. "He probably didn't know where else to go." He turns to the horse, stroking its mane. "It's okay, Merill. I miss him too."

"I'm assuming Merill is the horse's name, but who is it that you miss?" Arthur asks.

"How did you find me, though?" Merlin asks the horse - Merill - completely ignoring the prince. "We never took you to Camelot," the servant gave a small snort at his own statement, as if the idea was absolutely ludicrous. "Wouldn't have dreamed of it."

"Why not?" Arthur demands with growing impatience. "And who is it that you miss?"

"We got Merill at an auction when I was twelve," Merlin says, and Arthur supposes that Merlin now addressing him is an improvement, although he's not answering the question. "He had wanted a horse so bad, but he never had enough. So we made a pact to save up together until we could get him one. Then his father died… he used some of his inheritance to buy Merill, but he said that the horse was mine, too, even though I didn't really help pay for him. He said that we could come up with a name to show that Merill was both of ours. We were so stupid and naive… We came up with the painfully unoriginal idea of combining our names to get the name for our horse."

 _What- oh_ , Arthur thinks as the realization hits him. _Oh, Merlin._

 _Will._

"We raised Merill together. Everyone hated me back home, except Will. I didn't tell you this, but there was this one kid- Tom- who always used to beat me up. One day, he got his gang to take me on together. They were tall and muscular, and I was, well, me. I didn't stand a chance. They were hitting me, shoving me, kicking me. At one point, Tom even used his knife." As he spoke, Merlin absently rubs a thick, faded scar on his neck, usually covered by his scarf. "I thought I was going to die. And I would have, too, if Merill hadn't found me. I still don't know how he did it, but he knew where I was. He… he saved me. He chased the gang away. He doesn't look like much, but he can be pretty scary when he's charging straight at you. After they ran, Merill turned and left. At first I thought he was just going to leave me there, but then he came back with Will. He picked me up and put me on Merill's back, and he brought me back to my mother. She healed me."

Arthur doesn't know what to say. So he doesn't say anything. He just watches as Merlin's resolve breaks, and the tears begin.

"I miss him," Merlin says softly. "I miss him so much, it hurts."

"I know," Arthur tries in an attempt at comfort.

"No, you don't." Merlin responds. It isn't an accusation. It's just a simple statement of facts, and Arthur knows instantly that it's true. He doesn't know. He's never lost anything that couldn't be replaced- except for his mother, of course, but then he'd never really had her to lose. Arthur doesn't know what it's like to be beat up regularly, almost killed because he doesn't fit in in his own home. He doesn't know what it's like to have only one person you can count on, and then watch them die, without ever being given a chance to mourn. He doesn't know what it's like to be so desperate for money that the only way he can buy a horse at an auction is with money from his father's _death_. He doesn't know what it's like to be raised in a place where you're hated so much that you have to leave everything you've ever known behind for the hope of being accepted.

Arthur doesn't know, and so he just lets Merlin cry. He lets him cry until there are no more tears, and doesn't judge him or hesitate when the servant envelops the prince in a hug. He doesn't care about the snot that Merlin leaves on his red cape, or about the fact that they've been sitting here for about an hour. He doesn't stop Merlin from leaving the stables and returning to Giaus' chambers, and he doesn't point out that there are still chores to be done,

Instead, he lets Merlin cry and hug and mourn and leave, because, of course, Arthur doesn't know. He doesn't know, but he does listen, and he does care, and that just might be enough.


End file.
